


give me grace

by bette (ferns)



Series: grace [1]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Coming Out, Episode: s03e21 Cause and Effect, F/F, Trans Female Character, Transphobia, accidental misgendering, iris and barry are so In Love, this is barry and iris focused so the others aren't huge players
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2018-10-30 20:46:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10884630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ferns/pseuds/bette
Summary: Amnesia leads to Barry accidentally telling the team a secret-one she forgot she was keeping in the first place.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There's quite a bit of accidental misgendering at the beginning, plus an anxiety attack at the end. Basically, Barry forgets that she's not out to anybody, and is _very_ confused by... A lot of things.

“Where am I? Seriously, who  _ are  _ you guys?” Barry leaned away and Iris reached after him, eyes full of concern.

“Okay, Barry, stay calm,” she said softly, moving slowly.

“Who’s Barry?” Barry asked, looking agitated, and behind Iris’s back Julian and Cisco exchanged looks.

Joe narrowed his eyes. “Cisco-”

_ “Slight  _ miscalculation,” Cisco hissed, and Iris shot him a glare.

_ “‘Slight’  _ wouldn’t be the word I would use,” Joe growled, voicing Iris’s thoughts.

“Where the hell am I?” Barry stood up out of his chair, making small anxious sounds. “Is this a dentist’s office?”

“No, no, this is STAR Labs.” Iris tried to grab him and pull him back down into the chair, but he moved away before she could.

“ST-” Barry shook his head, backing away fast. “A laboratory? What are you-” He shuddered. “Are you guys  _ experimenting  _ on me?”

“No one is exper-” Julian paused as he rethought that, trying to stop Barry along with Iris and Cisco. “Well, technically, yes, but it was consensual-”

Barry’s eyes went wide and he scooted back even more, clearly trying to put as much distance between him and the others as possible. Iris wanted to reach out to him, help him, sit him down and explain to him that they would never hurt him, they were trying to help him, but before she could say anything Barry started talking again. “You  _ were?” _

Julian hesitated. “Yes.”

“You-” Barry’s breathing picked up, and Iris recognized that he was panicking. She’d seen it more than enough times to know what it looked like by now. She watched him press his fists against his forehead and try to take deep breaths-well, at least he remembered enough to know how to respond to his panic attacks. That position had always helped him calm down. “Why-why can’t I remember anything? Why can’t I remember my name?”

“Your name is Barry,” Iris said gently, getting as close to him as she could before he started flinching (which made something inside of her curl up in a painful ball).

“My name’s  _ not  _ Barry.” Barry fumbled in his pocket and pulled out his wallet triumphantly, searching for his driver’s license. “I don’t know what my name is, but my name is-” He cut himself off and looked down at his license, and Iris smiled at him hopefully as he looked up, face full of confusion. “Bartholomew Henry Allen…?”

“That’s right, Barry.” Iris held out her hand, trying to think of an excuse to get him back in the chair that Cisco’s ridiculous invention was attached to so they could figure out a way to fix this. “Now how about-”

“Bartholomew Henry Allen?” Barry repeated, clearly even more confused than before. “But… Isn’t that a boy’s name? And why does my driver’s license say I’m a-” He shook his head, pressing his fists against his temples again.

Iris’s thoughts screeched to a halt as Julian and Cisco and Wally’s muttering went silent behind her.

“Okay,” Cisco said loudly. “That’s-okay. Barry?”

Barry didn’t look at him, continuing to stare at the floor and breathe deeply. Iris coughed to try to get his-his? His, at least for now-attention, reaching out to gently squeeze his shoulder. “Barry? That’s you, remember? That’s your name.”

Barry looked at her, eyes glazed as he tried to stop panicking. “Y-yeah?”

“We’re gonna go out of the room for a second,” Cisco announced, looking back and forth between Iris and Barry. “Wally, do you wanna stay with, uh…”

Wally’s eyes went wide. “Why do I have to-” Joe nudged him. “...Fine.”

“We’re gonna be right back, okay?” Iris said softly, trying to be comforting. “I promise. We’ll be back in a second.”

Barry nodded a tiny bit, cramming himself into the corner as he watched everyone else except for Wally leave.

Cisco shut the door, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “Oh boy.”

“What’s going on with Barry?” Iris asked, standing up on her toes so she could watch him through the window. “Why is he-”

“I have no idea,” Cisco said truthfully. “I don’t know what’s going on. But…” He brushed his hair out of his face and sucked a breath in through his teeth. “I do have a theory.”

Iris crossed her arms. “Well?”

“If Barry had… Something they wanted to tell us,” Cisco paused, trying to choose his words carefully (Iris noted the change in pronoun), “but they didn’t tell us, maybe because they thought we would react badly or something, then… They would’ve forgotten that they hadn’t told us, right? And since they’ve forgotten everything else, then they’ll have forgotten that not everybody knows that they’re… I don’t know.”

“What if we just asked… Him?” Joe pinched his nose. “What if we just asked him what he thinks his name is, and what he thinks about… Everything about him.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t crowd them,” Cisco warned. “Iris? Do you want to go in and ask?”

Iris took a deep breath and forced herself to relax, nodding a little bit. “Yeah. I’ll ask. I think I can get him to calm down.”

She opened the door, smiling at Wally and standing aside as he squeezed past her. He gave her a grateful look. “I thought Barry was gonna talk my ear off,” he muttered. “Memory loss did  _ not  _ have an affect on the amount of words that come out of Barry’s mouth, in case you were wondering about that.”

Iris rolled her eyes affectionately, moving to crouch in front of Barry. He was folded up in the corner, watching everything anxiously. “Hey Bar,” she said softly. “What’s up?”

He blinked at her slowly. “What’s up?” He echoed. “I-I don’t know, you guys are the ones who brought me to this lab and did experiments on me! How do I know you’re not evil? Did you do something to my brain? Is that why I don’t remember anything? Did you make me in a tube? How-how do I know you’re not like-like those criminals who lure people to hotels and then steal their kidneys? Do I still have my kidneys?”

Iris reached out and took his hands gently. “It’s okay.” The corner of her mouth quirked up. “You still have your kidneys, I promise. We’re not criminals, okay? We’re the good guys. Is it okay if I ask you a few questions?”

Barry nodded a tiny bit, still watching her fearfully. But he didn’t make any effort to pull his hands away from hers. It was progress. “O-okay.”

Iris debated what to ask first before deciding to take the elephant in the room first. “Are you a boy or a girl? Or something else?”

Barry paused for a long moment. “I don’t know,” he(?) admitted. “I don’t-I’m a  _ girl,  _ right? A woman? But-Bartholomew, that’s a boy’s name, and there was a little ‘M’ under the ‘sex’ section of my driver’s license, and-” He- _ she, _ Iris corrected herself-made a frustrated sound. “I’m a woman, right?”   
  
Iris made her choice. She nodded. “Yes, you are. If that’s what you feel. You say you’re a girl, you’re a girl.”

Barry looked relieved, and h- _ she  _ leaned forward and cupped her hand around her mouth like a little kid sharing a secret. “Why is everyone looking at us through that window?”

Iris craned her neck, shooting a glare over her shoulder. Julian ducked out of sight as soon as she saw him, but Cisco (who didn’t appear to have any shame whatsoever) just pressed his nose more firmly against the glass. “Because they’re being very rude. Can I ask you some more questions?”

Barry nodded. “Are you sure nobody stole my kidneys?”

Iris laughed a little bit and let go of Barry’s hands, the tension leaking out of her shoulders. “I’m positive.” She shook her head. “Do you have a name you’d prefer other than Barry? One that feels more right?”

Barry screwed up her eyes and tried to concentrate. “I don’t remember,” she grumbled after a moment, sounding frustrated. “But I think I like Barry. Barry sounds right. It sounds  _ nice.” _

“I agree.” Iris sat down on the floor fully as her legs started to burn from crouching. “Do you… Do you not remember me?”

“Should I?” Barry tilted her head, looking her up and down. Iris bit her lip, twisting the engagement ring on her finger. Barry caught the motion and her eyes lit up. “Oh! Who’s the lucky guy?”

Iris swallowed thickly. “You are, Barry.”

Barry gaped at her for a second. “Really? You and I are engaged?”

“Yes, we are.” Iris blinked back tears. “Not for very long, but… Yeah.”

The door opened, and Barry jumped. Joe stuck his head in. “Barry? Iris?”

Iris took a deep breath and stood up, holding out her hand for Barry to take again. “Come on, Bar. Dad wants to talk to us.”

* * *

As soon as Barry gets home after her memories get jump-started, she hides.

Iris finds her pretty quickly; Barry’s never been creative with her hiding places, not even when they were kids. And there are even fewer places where Barry can hide now that she’s outgrown cramming into small spaces. “Barry, honey?”

Barry burrowed deeper into their front hallway closet, wrapping herself up in the coats. “Mm?”

“What’s wrong?” Iris sat down in the closet beside her, heart in her throat. She was pretty sure that she knew what was wrong, but… Christ, this was going to be a difficult conversation. “Barry, you know I love you, right?”

Barry nodded but curled up into the blankets even more. “Mmhmm. N’ I love you.”

“I know.” Iris squeezed her hand. “That’s not going to change, okay? I promise.”

“Nobody was ever supposed to know,” Barry whispered. “It was supposed to be-it was supposed to be a  _ secret.  _ Nobody was supposed to find out. It’s bad and wrong and I just-” It all comes spilling out, like a dam has been broken. “I just-I just-it’s  _ hard  _ sometimes because I want to tell you, and I was gonna in high school and then I didn’t so I thought I was going to tell you in college but-but I just  _ couldn’t.  _ And then I wanted to tell you after I woke up from the coma, but…”

“Deep breaths,” Iris advised, holding Barry’s hands. “Take deep breaths, honey.”

“It’s  _ awful  _ sometimes, Iris,” Barry whispers. “Sometimes it  _ hurts  _ because-you know that thing people call me? ‘Fastest man alive’?” She shudders. “I  _ hate  _ it. I hate it so much.”

“It’s okay,” Iris soothed. She leaned forward onto her knees and pressed a kiss against Barry’s forehead. “So… Are you a trans girl, then? Is there something you want to be called that isn’t Barry? I asked you before when you had amnesia, but you couldn’t remember if there was.”

“Yeah,” Barry answered after a long moment. “To-to the first thing, not the second.” She took a shaking breath. “That’s-wow. That’s the first time I’ve ever said that out loud, y’know? And I like my name, I like Barry-it makes me think of my mom.”

Iris nodded and rubbed the back of Barry’s hand comfortingly with her thumb. “Do you want to move to the bed?” She coaxed. “It might be more comfortable.”

“Okay,” Barry replied after a moment of hesitation, standing up and waiting for Iris to do the same before pulling her girlfriend (her beautiful loving accepting sweet girlfriend who would be her  _ wife  _ one day I won’t let Savitar hurt you I won’t I won’t I won’t) into a tight hug, bending her knees so she could bury her face in Iris’s hair. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Iris murmured, hugging back tightly. “We’ll figure this out, okay? I’ll help you. I promise.”

Barry took a deep breath, swallowing back a sob. “Alright.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Iris have a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bumped up the rating to teen instead of general audiences because Barry and Iris talk about sex in this chapter for a few lines (not much, but consider that your warning-it should be fairly easy to skip).

“So,” Barry said, forcing herself to be casual as she poked her head out of the blanket mound Iris had cocooned her in, “where do you wanna start?” 

“Well, while you were testifying, or at least trying to, I did as much research as I could.” Iris tapped her finger against her lower lip thoughtfully. “So… I’m mostly basing my questions off of that. If you can’t answer some of them, that’s fine, okay?”

“...Okay.” Barry squared her shoulders. “Hit me.”

“Who are you okay with being, you know, out to?” Iris asked. “I already know, obviously, and so does my dad, Wally, Cisco, and Julian. But that’s all-I don’t think Caitlin knows, she was only in the same room as you for a few minutes.”

Barry frowned, turning the question over in her head. “I-I don’t know? I’m… I think I’m okay with everybody who already knows. Except… Except I don’t want… I don’t want Caitlin to-” Her hands clenched. “Now that she’s officially evil and all, what if she-? I mean, I don’t think she would-she-she used to be my friend, so-”

“Deep breaths,” Iris advised. “Take lots of deep breaths. Caitlin doesn’t have to know, alright? What about the people at work?” Iris stiffened. “Wait. Shit. Cecile knows too, I think. Is that-is that okay with you? That she knows? Amnesiac Barry wasn’t exactly trying to keep things on the down-low.”

Barry shivered, chewing on her lower lip. “Cecile’s okay,” she said finally. “Besides, she’s already cool about the Flash stuff, right?”

Iris leaned forward and kissed her girlfriend’s nose. “Yeah. I think she’s mostly just wondering how Joe managed to end up with  _ two  _ speedster kids.”

Barry pulled Iris against her and gave her a kiss, shifting so she could wrap the blankets that she was curled up in around Iris as well. “Mm. Wait until she finds out about Cisco.”

Iris laughed into Barry’s chest, cuddling up close as Barry kissed the top of her head. “Two speedsters and a guy who can see the future.”

“Don’t forget a badass”-kiss-“future award-winning”-kiss-“journalist,” Barry finished with one last kiss. “Can’t forget about that.”

Iris laughed again, rolling Barry onto her back and underneath her easily. “Stop distracting me from my questions,” she scolded lightly, pressing their foreheads together. “I did lots of research for this.”

“You didn’t have to do that, you know that, right?” Barry asked quietly. “It’s-it’s my fault you have to deal with this, you shouldn’t have to-”

“I want to, okay? I love you, no matter  _ what,  _ and I want you to feel as comfortable as possible.” Iris cleared her throat. “Which, incidentally, leads to the next question I have.” She squeezed Barry’s shoulders comfortingly. “Sex?”

Barry choked, turning red. “Now?”

Iris shook her head. “No, I meant-sex, sex stuff, that’s my next question. I  _ told  _ you I did thorough research. How do you want to approach sex and things like that? Do you want me use different words for your, um…” She waved a hand. “I mean, first you have to tell me if you want different words to be used, because now I don’t want to use the wrong ones and make you more uncomfortable.”

“If it was  _ anybody  _ else, and I do mean  _ anybody  _ else,” Barry began, “this would be twice as uncomfortable. Like… Super uncomfortable. And it kind of still is. But I love you so I’m willing to put up with some discomfort, okay? But-but I don’t know the answer to your question. I-I did some research too, first when I started figuring things out as a kid and then more recently. After I came back from Earth-38 the first time, I think. Some stuff happened over there that just got me thinking. So I did some research.” She turned even darker red. “Tried out the words on myself a few times, and… It just seemed the same. But it might be different with you.”

“Then we’ll try stuff out and see what works,” Iris decided. She kissed Barry again, soft and slow and careful. “I love you, remember? Always have, always will. I promise.”

“I love you too,” Barry whispered, pulling Iris down on top of her and snuggling close. “Is there anything else you wanna ask?”

Cuddling up under Barry’s chin, Iris shook her head. “Not really. Outside of if you’ve ever tried makeup. You don’t  _ need _ to wear it, but I think you’d look nice with some lipstick. I bet Cisco would paint little lightning bolts on your nails if you asked him to, but that might accidentally reveal your secret identity.” She yawned. “Maybe it would start a trend. Superhero nails.”

“Those’d be cute.” Barry wrapped herself around her fiancée. “I love you so much, Iris,” she whispered after a long moment of silence. “I was so worried. God, I couldn’t-” She swallowed. “I just-I just  _ couldn’t.  _ Even when I created Flashpoint, when I had everything I wanted… I wasn’t…” She let out a small hiccuping sob, and Iris held her closer but stayed silent. “I don’t know what they’d-what my parents would think. Part of me says they would love me anyways, but part of me-I-Mom always called me her beautiful boy, and Dad used to say he was so glad he had me as a son, and what if-”

“Oh, Bar,” Iris sighed. She wrapped her arms around Barry as much as she could, wriggling into a position so they could both be comfortable and lying on their sides with their faces close, still tangled up in the blankets. “They loved you  _ so much.  _ I don’t think they would’ve cared, but…” Iris wished that she could offer some assurance, but how do you tell your best friend and the love of your life that her dead parents would’ve supported her if she had chosen to come out to them? “I’m sorry I can’t be more reassuring.”

“S’okay.” Barry swallowed down another sob. “I just-I could’ve told them in Flashpoint but I  _ didn’t.  _ I’ll never know- _ they’ll  _ never know.” She suddenly went very, very still. “Oh, shit, I-does this mean that Savitar is a girl? And Earth-2 me? With the whole multiple-earths thing, does that mean that there are timelines where I’m… Well…”

“I don’t know about Earth-2 Barry, but I think it’s safe to say that Savitar probably is,” Iris sighed, “since he-I mean she-is a time remanent of yours.”

Barry shuddered. “I-this is hurting my brain.”

“Mine too,” Iris admitted. “We’ll figure this out more tomorrow, okay? And then we have to go to STAR Labs so Cisco can try to make sure that you’re not going to suddenly start forgetting things.”

Barry pulled Iris even tighter against herself. “Th-thanks for being so good about all this. I swear, I didn’t mean for you to find out and have to go through all this trouble, it was all one big mistake-”

“Hey. No. You don’t have to apologize, okay?” Iris tilted her head so she could look Barry right in the eyes. “Let me ask you one more question, and then we’ll go to sleep. Just answer it honestly. Do you feel better now that I know you’re a girl, now that the people who love you know?”

Barry thought for a long moment, chewing on the inside of her cheek. “Yeah. I-yeah. It feels a lot better. Like the world isn’t so heavy.”

Iris kissed her. “Good. If you feel better, then it’s not a mistake. And me and my dad- _ none  _ of us are mad that you didn’t tell us, okay?” That was mostly the truth-it stung a little that Barry hadn’t trusted them enough to tell them, but Iris squashed those feelings down. This wasn’t about how safe  _ she  _ felt, it was about how safe Barry felt. “We love you.  _ I  _ love you. You’re going to be my wife one day. I promise.”

Barry suddenly found herself unable to stop smiling. “Wife?”

“Mm. We  _ will  _ stop Savitar, and someday we’re gonna get married and you’re gonna be my wife. My very cool superhero wife.” Iris yawned into the crook of Barry’s neck.

“I won’t be as cool as you,” Barry said. She could hear Iris’s breathing evening out-it was late, and they’d had a lot of late nights, and both of them were exhausted, which was finally catching up to Iris. “You’re gonna win a Pulitzer, and you’re gonna be a great mom if we ever wanna have kids, and you’re so beautiful and-” She paused. “I love you, Iris. So much.”

“Love you too, baby.” Iris closed her eyes.

“Goodnight,” Barry whispered.

She didn’t sleep for a long time after that despite how tired she was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably gonna have three or four chapters, so not like...a huge amount.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry comes out to Oliver and Felicity (and Curtis and Rene). It goes... Well... It _goes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some transphobia in this chapter but it's not intentionally malicious even if it comes off this way. Oliver just genuinely, flat out, does not understand. Like, at all. That doesn't excuse the things he says, but... It's his reasoning. He thinks Barry's going to change her mind. (Felicity has some trouble too, but... It works out. She's got more experience with this kind of thing than Oliver does.) Also, Rene and Curtis are boyfriends.
> 
> I think the next chapter will be more Iris focused and _might_ even have Linda in it, and that might be the last one or there'll be one more after that since I want to keep this fairly short.

“Breathe, Barry.” Iris hugged her fiancée from behind. “You don’t have to do this, you know that, right? We can go home.”

Barry fiddled with the big hoodie Iris had gotten her when Barry confessed that sometimes looking in the mirror was too hard because of how tall she was and how sharp her shoulders were and how flat her chest was and-well. There were a hundred and one things that Barry hated about herself, and Iris had promised to help her feel better about every single one of them.

Together, they’d discovered that Barry looked good with red lipstick (“Red always was your color,” Joe had said when he saw it on her for the first time, reaching out and ruffling Barry’s hair), hated the feeling of eyeshadow, and while she  _ despised  _ having to run in dresses or skirts, she loved wearing them if it was just around the house with Iris or at STAR Labs.

Which was why along with her heavy grey hoodie, Barry was wearing a plain scarlet skirt that stopped right at her knees. And red lipstick. And one of Iris’s favorite bracelets-according to Iris, it had always made  _ her  _ feel braver, and she hoped that it would have the same effect on Barry. Barry wasn’t sure it was working, but the sentiment was very much appreciated.

“Do you think they’re gonna react badly?” She asked, fidgeting nervously as Iris kissed the back of her neck comfortingly. “I mean-I-”

“They’re your friends, aren’t they?” Iris pulled Barry around so that they were facing each other. “If they really care about you, they won’t react badly. And if they do…” She pulled her phone out of her pocket and wiggled it. “We’ve got Vibe  _ and  _ Kid Flash ready to take ‘em down.”

Barry tried to smile, but she was too nervous and it came out more like a grimace. “I-this was a mistake. I shouldn’t-I don’t know if I can-”

“You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, okay?” Iris rocked up onto her toes to kiss her girlfriend’s nose. “If you want to, we can leave. You don’t  _ ever  _ have to tell them if you don’t want to.”

“I want to. I have to. What if they find out some other way? I don’t want that, they’re going to be  _ worse  _ if they find out some other way-” Barry reached up to tug nervously on her hair. (Iris had asked her if she wanted to grow it out, but Barry refused for multiple reasons-one of them being that she knew she looked terrible with long hair.) “I’m still nervous.”

“I’ll be right here the whole time, and Wally and Cisco can be here as fast as you want them to if we need backup for some reason,” Iris reassured her.

“Okay. Okay. I can do this.” Barry squared her shoulders a little. “Let’s go now before I change my mind.”

* * *

Rene glanced up from where he was standing at a table with Curtis, prodding at whatever it was Curtis was working on before he got his hands lightly smacked away. “Hey, Curtis?”

“Mm?” Curtis carefully twisted two wires together.

“Tell me I’m not the only one who sees two trespassers in our supposedly ‘secret’ vigilante hideout.” Rene went back to trying to poke at Curtis’s project.

Curtis’s head snapped up.  _ “What?”  _ He spotted Iris and Barry, who were hovering awkwardly a few feet away like they weren’t sure how to say something. “Oh, it’s just you two.”

Barry frowned. “I didn’t know you knew Iris.” 

At least they’d confirmed her suspicions that the two of them knew her secret identity.

Curtis smiled at them. “Group chat with Cisco and Wally. According to him, we have to stick together. He sends a lot of pictures of the two of you getting caught kissing in embarrassing places.”

Barry flushed and squeezed Iris’s hand tighter. “Are Oliver and Felicity here?”

“It’s the middle of the night,” Rene pointed out. “Felicity  _ should  _ be back any second, and Oliver’s out doing his vigilante thing.” He glared down at his foot, which Barry finally noticed had a medical walking boot on it. “Like I should be.”

“It’s only for a few weeks,” Curtis dismissed, reaching for something. “If you want, I can call Oliver and Felicity for you.”

“No need.” Barry’s head snapped around at superspeed, her grip on Iris’s hand tightening. Felicity cocked her head, smiling a little as she walked up before stopping to sigh at a ruined pile of papers. “Congrats on the engagement, you two.” Her eyes fell on Barry’s skirt and a little wrinkle appeared between her eyebrows. “What’s with the outfit?”

“I-um-” Barry looked at Iris nervously. Her girlfriend stood up on her toes in order to kiss her cheek, whispering that she didn’t have to do this if she didn’t want to in her ear as she did so. “That’s… That’s part of something I want to talk to you and Oliver about.”

Curtis and Rene exchanged looks behind Barry and Iris’s backs.

Felicity nodded slowly, still clearly confused. “I’ll let him know that you’re here.”

Iris squeezed Barry’s hand again. Behind them, Rene yelped as he burnt his fingertips. Curtis groaned.

“I told you not to do that! Why did you think I was trying to stop you?”

“Kiss it better?” Rene asked hopefully.

Barry half turned so she could see them better. Curtis was rolling his eyes as he leaned down and kissed the tips of Rene’s fingers. Rene smirked. “Thank you. It feels better already.”

Barry stifled a small smile. They were kind of cute, weren’t they?

“Barry?” Iris squeezed Barry’s hand tighter when Oliver stepped out of practically nowhere, pulling down his hood and taking his mask off. “You’re a long way from Central City.”

“Oliver, hey.” Barry rocked on the balls of her feet. “I-yeah, I am, I just had something to tell you. It’s… It’s kind of a big deal.”

Oliver looked Barry slowly up and down, making almost the exact same expression that Felicity had when he noticed the skirt that she was wearing, although while Felicity had smoothened out the crease between her eyebrows by now and was now smiling kindly at Barry, Oliver was making no effort to hide his bewilderment. Iris felt a surge of protectiveness rise in her chest.

“What are you wearing?” Oliver asked slowly. Barry’s grip on Iris’s hand tightened to the point where it was almost painful.

“A skirt,” she said softly, voice almost breaking part way through. She swallowed a little and repeated herself but louder. “It’s a skirt.”

“I can see that. Why are you wearing it?” His voice was tight and hard and Iris pursed her lips. She couldn’t believe she’d ever found this asshole  _ attractive. _

“Because I wanted to.” Barry shifted nervously like she was about to bolt. “They’re nice on my legs. And it makes me feel pretty.”

Her cheeks turned pink as she said it. Iris smiled a little bit. It  _ did  _ make Barry look pretty. It was taking everything she had not to promise Barry that she’d look pretty no matter what, the skirt just made it more noticeable, but Oliver was still looking at Barry like he was uncomfortable with her existing in the same room as him and this was something that Barry herself had to say.

“Why do you want to feel  _ pretty?”  _ At this point, Felicity looked like she’d reached the right conclusion, but Oliver remained so stony-faced that Iris couldn’t tell  _ what  _ he was thinking about.

“I just  _ do,”  _ Barry said simply, shrugging a tiny bit. Only Iris could see (and feel) that she was trembling minutely. “But-but it’s also because-I’m a girl. And I like wearing skirts because-because even though it’s just clothes it makes me feel like I’m… Like I’m a girl.”

She tried to put in it a way that Oliver could understand. Barry had tried skirts on before, she used to dress in  _ both  _ of her parents’ clothes when she was younger, and sometimes Iris had had her model for her when they were both teenagers. She had always loved wearing them. And while wearing ‘feminine’ clothes didn’t automatically make her a girl (Cisco wore skirts all the time, and that didn’t make him any less of a boy), it just… Helped. It made her feel better. Like when Iris helped her do her makeup.

“You want to feel like a girl?” This time, instead of Oliver, Felicity was the one talking. She didn’t sound as flat as Oliver. More confused.

“I  _ am  _ a girl.” Barry felt the almost painful tension in her shoulders return as soon as she said it. “I  _ am.” _

“Cool,” Rene said from behind them, making Barry jump. She’d forgotten about Curtis and Rene. “Is your name still Barry?”

Barry nodded slightly. “Y-yeah. It is. Reminds me of home.”

Iris kissed her cheek. “It doesn’t change anything between us,” she said before Felicity could ask. “I love Barry and Barry loves me and that’s not going to change.”

Felicity nodded a tiny bit, closing her mouth and falling silent. Oliver scowled. “Iris, you’re okay with this? Barry, this is-this is a  _ huge  _ step. What if you’re wrong?”

“Oliver,” Felicity said sharply, “I  _ know _ I’m not going to get used to it for a long time, but it’s Barry’s choice if he- _ she” _ -Barry couldn’t stop her little smile as she heard Felicity correct which pronouns she was using-“wants us to refer to him-to  _ her,  _ sorry Barry,  as a girl.”

“But-” Oliver was cut off when Felicity elbowed him.

Curtis called from his spot, “Barry was always a girl, Oliver. She just didn’t tell us until now. That’s that.”

Barry curled her toes. It was nice to have someone in her corner. Rene was nodding along with him too, and Felicity was making an effort-it felt  _ good.  _ But Oliver… She’d thought that Oliver…

“Barry, I think maybe it’s best if you leave,” Oliver said in a low voice.

Barry ducked her head and swallowed. “Okay,” she said in a small voice. Iris clenched her fist. Barry pulled her back a little bit when she stepped forward. Iris was… Protective, when it came to her family and the people she loved. “S’not worth it. C’mon, Iris, let’s go home.”

Iris let herself get picked up by Barry. Later she’d have to ask Cisco if he’d be willing to vibe some of the embarrassing shit Oliver had done in order to pass a few tips along to the gossip column. It wouldn’t be enough of a payback, but at least it would be  _ something,  _ wouldn’t it?

Her stomach lurched as Barry sped them home and stopped in their living room. She felt her fiancée set her down. “Are you okay?”

Barry hugged onto Iris tightly. “I really thought he’d understand,” she whispered. “I really-I really thought-I’m glad Felicity’s okay with it, or at least is gonna go along with it, and it’s nice to have Rene on my side, but… Ollie…”

“It’s okay.” Iris rubbed Barry’s back. “It’s okay.” It wasn’t, not really, but… Maybe if Iris said it, Barry could convince herself that it was true.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lil bit of transphobia in this chapter and a bunch of talk of alcohol. Cindy also threatens to stab someone in the throat.
> 
> I know I keep saying that this'll be the last chapter, but... I really don't think this will be it. I want to bring Savitar back into the equation somehow-how, I don't know, but I want to do it (no matter how much I hated that storyline).

“Hi, Mom,” Barry said softly, sitting on the wet ground with her hands folded in her lap. “Hi, Dad. I-I don’t really know what to say.”

Iris was waiting for her at home. This was something that Barry knew she needed to do _alone._ She loved Iris with her entire heart, but… She couldn’t be here for this. This was something between Barry and her parents. And now that Savitar was gone, presumably still alive but missing in action for weeks now, she finally had a chance to do it.

“Did-did you ever suspect anything?” Barry whispered, hugging her shoulders. The headstones didn’t answer. Henry’s had only recently been put up, and the Hebrew inscriptions hadn’t even had the time to grow moss yet. “Did you ever wonder if I wasn’t your son?” She started to cry, chin dropping onto her chest as tears slid down her nose. “Was I that good at pretending to be a boy, Dad? So good that you didn’t even notice I wasn’t one?”

The drizzle picked up and Barry started shivering and her teeth began to chatter.

“I wanted to tell you both so badly,” she sniffled. “I don’t remember if I tried, Mom, when you were alive. Dad, every time I went to visit you in prison, I told myself that I was going to tell you and _every single time_ I was too much of a coward to go through with it. I just didn’t want you two to be disappointed in me. Would you have been disappointed in me? If I had told you?”

One of Barry’s hands reached up to clench and unclench in her hair as she went silent. Her shoulders were shaking with barely-contained sobs and the butt of her skirt was completely soaked through.

Barry imagined the life that she could’ve had.

Her Mom, kissing her forehead and helping her do her hair for a high school dance where she’d make out with someone awkwardly before leaving with a headache. Her Dad trying and miserably failing to paint her nails. Her parents holding her on the bad days when it was so hard for her to get out of bed in the morning much less leave the house and do anything.

What would that have been like? For her parents to be alive? To not only be alive but to know who she was and accept her for it? What would it have been like to hear her parents introduce her as their daughter to strangers? What would that life have been like?

Barry tried to picture what it would sound like to hear her mother whisper “my beautiful girl”, what it would sound like to hear her father say “if the Flash were my daughter”, what everything could’ve been like if-if things were _different._ If they were _better._

If thing were _fair._

Then the thoughts switched to her mom screaming at her that she’d never be a _real_ girl, to her dad insisting that _he_ was his _son_ and nothing was ever going to change that and-

No. That wasn’t what they were like. Not ever. They would _never_ say that about her, would they? Iris had told her that they would love her as their daughter and Barry _believed_ that. She’d brought up the topic of transgender people to her dad before while there was still glass between them. Tried not to connect it to herself, but… Barry had brought it up. And her dad had been fine with it.

But there was a difference between being theoretically fine with it and welcoming your daughter home instead of your son.

She cried harder and hugged her knees to her chest, staying like that for five more minutes before standing up and sniffling as she rubbed her eyes. She pointedly didn’t look at the plot of land that would one day be hers.

“I-I’m your daughter,” Barry said simply, “and I’m going to try to make you both proud of me, okay?”

She stayed there for another second like she was waiting for an answer before turning around and running home to throw herself down on her bed and cry.

* * *

“You look great!” Linda said, giving Barry a hug. “I haven’t seen you in ages, how’ve you been?”

“Good.” Barry tugged nervously on her jacket. This was going to be her first proper night out in feminine clothes, with what Iris called ‘the rest of the girls’. Meaning Linda, Cindy, Kendra, and Sara. They were going to a bar, despite Barry saying that she couldn’t get drunk. “Do I, uh, look okay?”

Barry wondered if Iris had consciously brought along a group of people because there was strength in numbers.

“You look great,” Linda said warmly. She spun around a little. “What about me?”

“You look good,” Barry said tightly. Linda really did look amazing, but Barry’s stomach felt like it was tying itself up in knots over and over and over again. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Nobody’s making you do anything you don’t want to do,” Kendra promised as she laced up her shoes. “But this is gonna be a fun night, and I think Iris really wants you to have fun.” She pulled her hair back from her face. “If you really don’t want to come, though, we’re not gonna force you to.”

Barry looked at Iris, who was helping Sara with the amount of buttons on her jacket that Sara had decided were completely useless (how were you supposed to fight with this many buttons? Exactly). Cindy was noisily raiding Barry and Iris’s fridge for something she could eat before they left and being loudly unsuccessful.

Girls. All of them. Including her.

She could do this, couldn’t she? Right?

“I wanna have fun tonight,” Barry admitted. “I want to go out with the rest of you and have fun. But… What if someone… I mean… I don’t look…”

“Then you’ll get front row seats to an awesome bar fight,” Cindy shouted, sticking her head out of the fridge. “I might start one anyway, just to keep things from getting _too_ boring, you know?” She winked and stuck her head back in the fridge, which muffled her next few words. “‘Sides, I’m looking forward to fighting a whole new _Earth_ full of people.”

Sara rolled her eyes as Iris moved back to Barry’s side and got up on her toes to kiss her fiancée on the cheek. “Hopefully, that won’t happen without me,” Sara said, “but if you’re feeling uncomfortable you can just leave. Use your super-speed and get out of there as fast as you can. Text us when you’re home and let us know what happened. Same thing if your drink starts tasting funny-men are garbage no matter _what_ bar you’re at, so be careful, okay?”

Barry nodded quickly, committing it all to memory. She wiped her sweaty palms on her pants. “Let’s-are we going now?”

“Now is good,” Linda agreed, linking arms with Kendra. Barry watched them leave along with Sara, who pulled Cindy away from the fridge as she protested that she hadn’t found anything in there except white people food for her to snack on on the way to the bar. (It was about twelve blocks away.)

Iris gave her another kiss. “C’mon. You can leave whenever you want, I promise. Nobody will blame you.”

Barry nodded. “Alright. Okay. Let’s-let’s go have fun.”

* * *

It went well until Cindy almost stabbed someone with a broken bottle.

Sara got in between them, holding out her hands to stop Cindy from actually stabbing anyone. “Whoa! What’s going on here?”

“This guy implied that our friend Barry is playing dress-up and said some very rude things about her chest,” Cindy said coldly. “I’m going to give him a free tracheostomy. He should be thanking me for it.”

Sara raised her eyebrows. She hadn’t thought that Cindy considered Barry her _friend,_ since they rarely interacted and when they did it was tense, awkward, and definitely uncomfortable, at least according to Iris. She opened her jacket with all of its stupid useless buttons and showed off the hidden knife inside of it. “Is this true?”

The stranger looked like he was about to piss his pants. “N-no, she’s a liar, she’s _crazy,_ she pulled that thing on me out of nowhere-”

Cindy’s eyes flashed bloody red and the guy yelped, turning tail and running. Sara sighed. “Not that I don’t approve, but you could’ve at least invited me before you started threatening him.”

“Did he really say that?” Barry asked, holding onto Iris’s drink. She’d shown up out of nowhere when she’d heard Sara shout.

Cindy’s shoulders dropped and she set her broken bottle on the table. “Yeah. Don’t let it get to you too much.”

Barry looked away. “Thanks for standing up for me.”

“If trans girls can’t look out for each other, who can?” Cindy squeezed past Barry before she could process what Cindy had said. “I’m going to go see if I can outdrink my alcohol tolerance. C’mon, Lance.”

Sara shrugged and went after her, patting Barry on the shoulder as she went.

Iris reappeared to retrieve her drink. “Barry? You okay?”

“I’m okay,” Barry said softly. “I think we should hang out with Cindy more often.”

Iris gave her a kiss. “She’s great, isn’t she? You’d think all of Cisco’s bragging would be an exaggeration, but no.”

“Yeah…” Barry smiled weakly. “I love you. But-but I think I’m going to head home, okay?”

“Alright. I’ll see you soon, okay?” Iris hugged her tightly.

“See you soon,” Barry echoed.

What Barry really needed to do was sleep. Sleep and text Cisco about the Flash suit. And figure out how to give Cindy a much more heartfelt thank you if she was still around tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I ever write cis Cindy feel free to kill me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be the last chapter. I'm marking this work as complete just in case it is, but who knows-maybe I'll pick this up again since I love it so much. There's some talk of sex in this chapter, more thoughts than actual dialogue, and none occurs.

Barry hadn’t spoken to Cisco much since she’d come out. Not through anything deliberate on either part, it just worked out so they hadn’t really been alone together since, outside of when she’d told him about what Cindy had done for her.

Which was why when Cisco asked to talk to her in private, Barry was grateful for an opportunity for them to talk.

“I’ve got a sister,” Cisco said, before Barry could say anything. “Older than me and older than Dante. I don’t talk about her a lot because she’s pretty private. Lives in Detroit where I grew up. I think you should meet her at some point. She’s the best.”

Barry blinked. She’d thought that Dante was Cisco’s only older sibling. “Uh, why? Not why is she the best, I mean-why should I meet her? I totally will if you want me to, but…”

“She was… twenty-four or so when she came out?” Cisco shrugged. “I just got off the phone with her. I wanted to make sure it was cool that I was going to tell you about her, and then when she asked about what you were like I started telling her about you and she said she wanted to meet you. Her name’s Armando-hasn’t changed it. Me n’ Dante and her girlfriend call her Mando. She was a football player in high school, a really good one, you could probably look her up.”

Barry’s eyes went wide. “I didn’t know you had a sister. That’s-that’s cool.” She couldn’t stop herself from smiling. No wonder Cisco had taken no time at all to switch pronouns for her. “And-yeah. I wanna meet her. At some point.”

“I’ll tell her that.” Cisco grinned. “I-I love her so much, but… She doesn’t like it when I talk about her. She says I’m saying things that she doesn’t deserve. Which I think is bullshit, because she’s the best sister in the whole world, but whatever.”

“Armando sounds very nice,” Barry assured him. It was the truth.

“She’s the _best,”_ Cisco insisted. “The very, very best. And… I think talking to her would be good for you. Does that make me sound like too much of a parent?”

“A little bit,” Barry laughed.

Cisco groaned. “I’ve become the grandma who tries to set her grandkids up with nice girls, haven’t I? I promise this isn’t a ‘please date my sister’ thing, it’s a ‘I think it’d be nice for you to talk to my sister who’s been out for a few years now’ thing.”

“I think it’d be good for me too,” Barry admitted. “Outside of Cindy, who I’m not even really friends with, I haven’t really been able to talk to a lot of people like me.”

“I can give you Mando’s number?” Cisco offered. “She doesn’t like talking on the phone, but you two can text, or something.”

Barry nodded a little. “I’d like that.”

* * *

Barry laughed as she pushed open the door. It’d been a good night, mostly. It was date night, which for Iris and Barry usually meant staying home and just enjoying each other’s company while trying out new recipes, but tonight Barry had decided that they should actually go out. She’d decided last minute not to present femininely but despite misgendering from strangers it had been pretty good. The food had been delicious and Iris was gorgeous as always.

They’d talked pretty much nonstop at the restaurant, with Barry telling Iris about Cisco’s big sister whose number she now had and who she had texted with exactly once (Armando seemed very nice), and Iris telling Barry about how she’d just spoken on the phone to Linda the other day and she was doing _great_ even if while Wally was _useful_ to have around he was currently annoying the hell out of her completely on accident.

They hadn’t had sex since Barry had come out, and Barry had mixed feelings on trying mostly because she was so anxious about how Iris would handle it, but tonight seemed like it was probably heading in that direction. They’d talked about that at the restaurant too, in soft voices so that nobody would overhear, the weird yellow lighting over their table hiding the bright red blush on Barry’s cheeks. Evidently, Iris had been doing _research,_ which made Barry a little less apprehensive, but still.

Maybe they would try tonight, or at least start to try tonight. This was one thing Barry didn’t want to move quickly at.

Things took a sharp turn when Barry pulled Iris through the door, intent on kissing her fiancée, only to see herself sitting on the couch.

Savitar looked… Different. Haggard and weak. Barry pushed Iris behind her protectively anyways, heart pounding in her throat.

“What are you doing here?” She challenged, one hand clenching into a fist.

“I came to see you,” Savitar rasped, lifting her head. “I’m dying. Something happened. The future changed, _somehow,_ which means I changed.”

“The future changed?” Iris gripped Barry’s hand. “God, she really does look just like you,” she whispers. “I know you said it was you, but… She really…”

“She, huh?” Savitar coughed up some blood and then wiped her mouth with her sleeve. “That explains it.”

“...Me coming out changed the future?” Barry blinked. She remembered her future self curled in the time vault. How all of them had misgendered her. Something they _never_ would have done if they had known, she knew that now.

“Somehow.” Savitar curled her upper lip and glared at Barry. “I can’t kill you to fix it. And since you know what I am, how you created me, you won’t make me. I’m going to die. The only way to save myself is to kill _her.”_

Barry and Iris tensed. “I’ll kill you if you try,” Barry warned. “I _will._ And you know what? I think you lied. I think you _lied_ about everyone pushing you away in the future because you weren’t me.” She knew she was goading a murderer on to do something violent, but she needed to say it. “I think you wanted to be alone. Because my family loves me and I love them. They wouldn’t push me away. Even if they thought I was ‘just a copy’.”

Savitar lunged for the two of them with a snarl, and Barry got ready to run Iris to safety, but instead of actually attacking them Savitar’s legs went out from under her and she crashed down to the floor, spitting blood. She pushed herself up onto her hands and glared at Barry, who pulled Iris back even more. If Savitar was dying, she’d do anything to save herself, and Barry _couldn’t_ let her kill Iris. She _couldn’t._

“This is my last shot at life,” Savitar croaked, eyes a little wild and hands clenched into fists against the floorboards. “I _will not_ die. I refuse to die. Not while there’s still something I can do about it.”

“And I won’t let you kill Iris,” Barry snapped back, gripping her girlfriend’s hand tightly. Iris squeezed back even harder, so hard it almost hurt, but Barry didn’t care. As long as Iris was still clinging to her, Iris was still alive. What mattered was keeping Iris alive. “I don’t care if you die.” She was a little shocked that the words were true. “I don’t care if you die, Savitar.”

Savitar looked at her disbelievingly. “You-you have to care,” she whispered, before screaming louder, “You _have_ to care!”

“I don’t.” Barry swallowed. “I don’t care about you. You tried to kill the love of my life. You don’t love her. Maybe you did, once upon a time, but you don’t anymore.”

Savitar bowed her head, voice cracking as she murmured, “I won’t last the night. I’ll be lucky if I see the sunrise tomorrow before I die.”

“You deserve it,” Barry said coldly. “You tried to kill Iris. _My_ Iris. _Our_ Iris. You tried to kill her. And I will never, ever, forgive you.”

Savitar looked at her sadly before looking at Iris. Her gaze softened, just a little bit. “I did love you,” she whispered. “I really did. I promise.”

Iris stared her down, glaring at this pale imitation of the woman she loved. “I don’t care.”

“No, of course you don’t,” Savitar sighed. She looked back and forth between Iris and Barry for a second before addressing Barry while keeping her gaze firmly on Iris. “My partner-” She coughed, body shaking as she spoke. “My partner is still out there. Frost got a little tired of following orders and decided to go solo for awhile. Last I heard she was trying to assemble her own little team. Must miss the dynamic of your little STAR Labs crew, or something.”

“Why are you telling us this?” Iris wasn’t sure if she wanted to start screaming or start crying. She felt so much _pity_ for this broken woman, with her dull eyes and clammy pale skin and blood dripping from her nose and mouth. But that pity warred with sick, vindictive glee that the monster who’d stalked her nightmares for months was finally getting what she deserved. For so long Iris had been afraid to let her guard down for so much as a second in case Savitar showed up to kill her. And now here she was, dying on Iris's living room floor.

Maybe the battling emotions inside of her made her a bad person. Maybe it just made her human.

Savitar spat more blood onto the floor. “Hell if I know. Maybe I just want a shot at redemption. Maybe I’m hoping that if I get in your good sides, you’ll help me survive... I don't want to die. I'm... Afraid to die.”

Iris gave Barry’s hand an even tighter squeeze, lifted her chin, and smiled down at Savitar on the floor. “I hope it hurts.”

Savitar looked away, nodded once, and then was gone in a flash of lightning, leaving only the blood on the wooden floor and the open window to show that she had ever even been there in the first place.

“I don’t think she’s coming back,” Barry said softly.

“...Me neither.” Iris rested her head on Barry’s shoulder.

They stood silently, looking at the blood, for a long time.


End file.
